The moment you’ve been fantasizing about ever since you were a little girl finally comes. The man of your dreams drops to one knee and asks you to marry him and places that 3.5 carat emerald cut rock on your finger. All of a sudden you have reality TV visions of getting “Married Away” only to become the ultimate “Bridezilla” who is constantly screaming, “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway”?
Recently, I looked up the definition of marriage in the Merriam Webster Online Dictionary, and it said: Marriage- the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
I kept reading it over and over again… “contractual relationship recognized by law” stuck in my head. I realized that the only difference between a long term relationship and a marriage is that the marriage is recognized by law. I personally know quite a few couples that have been together for a long time and are not legally married but function as if they are. They have the home, the kids, the cars, as well as the deep connection and commitment to each other, even more so then the married couples that I know, and they actually outlast the married couples. Why?
Today, couples that get married go into the marriage with a Plan B already formulated even before they’ve walked down the aisle. “If the marriage ends, what will I get? What will I do after?” Hence, prenuptial agreements, which de-romanticize the entire institution, but unfortunately in a society of such a high divorce rate, it is sometimes necessary. Why do they even bother getting married? These couples need the boundaries and rules that come with being married to make them feel like they’ve taken this big leap of faith and have “grown up” when the true leap of faith is sharing an unwavering commitment to each other; one made of steel where no one can touch you two, having a friendship on fire, trusting completely, living in each moment together without doubts and insecurities. Sharing deep love and mutual respect without feeling the pressure from family, friends, television and society to make their union legal, I believe, is the true meaning of marriage. Many times, religious beliefs cause couples to succumb to the pressures as well. It’s unfortunate that couples cannot have their priest or pastor marry them without a state issued marriage license. Does anybody remember learning about separation of church and state in junior high? Whatever happened to that? (That’s a whole other story…)
Some marry for love, some marry for money and then there are some who marry purely for the companionship. The list of reasons for why people marry each other can go on for days, but your reasons must be conducive to your partner’s reasons or the marriage will fall apart. Marriage now being merely a legal bind and a financial transaction has lost the romance it once had when our grandparents and parents got married. Whether you have a marriage license or you’ve been with your partner for many years, there are certain realities of marriage that need to be discussed before hand. Once armed with that knowledge and awareness, I believe men and women will be able to navigate through their marriage and/or long term relationships to more fruitful outcomes.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself in regards to marriage and your partner:
- How does your partner deal with adversity?
- What type of lifestyle do you both want?
- Do you want children?
- Who will handle the money? (bills, savings, investments)
- Do either of you have personal goals that you haven’t reach yet? Dreams of entrepreneurship? Will your partner support them?
- Can you see yourself with the same person forever? Will they keep you interested forever?
- Self-preservation…do they take care of themselves?
- Who’s more dominant? Does he/she welcome balance?
- Pre-nuptial?
I wish that I had realized some of these elements that could possibly make or break a marriage before I got married. At the time, I felt I was getting married for love, but in retrospect I succumbed to the same societal pressure as many others; trying to keep up appearances and trying to prove to myself and others that I was finally happy with someone, even if I knew in my gut that that someone was not completely right for me.
Being a true romantic at heart, I am in no way bashing marriage but I do feel that it is not for everyone. The more traditional couples who are absolutely confident of their love, bond and commitment…I say go for it and jump that broom and revel in the rarity that is your relationship. As for the more liberal couples who are completely content as you are and don’t need society’s stamp of approval, rock out a la Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn; 20 years strong and never married. Go figure.
Martine Chevry received her B.A. in Communications and Culture from the CUNY School of Professional Studies in June 2011. She currently works as an Editorial Assistant and lives in Queens, New York. Martine is currently planning on self publishing her first novel in Spring 2012. She enjoys writing, working out, shopping, reading and reality television.
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September 13, 2011 at 10:59 am
Johanna Rodriguez
This blog has me thinking of my own veiwes of marrigae. When I was younger I always thought that marriage was old tradition and had nothing to do with how people really are. Meaning who can stay with one perosn forever and be faithful. Now that I am older I see marriage in a whole new light and do think that marriage should be a chamonship more then what we grow up thiunking it should be. Loved this blog post.
September 13, 2011 at 4:44 pm
L'Marie
Kudos to you for posting this blog. No, marriage is not for everyone. And, sorry, but I disagree with the dictionary definition of marriage. That may be the definition for a ‘legally recognized’ marriage in most states, but it is not a true definition of marriage.
Here’s the thing, people are perfectly free to marry without a license. No federal law against doing so exists and the few states that have archaic laws against doing so are overturning such laws. The problem is that people do not question the status quo. As a result, they have no idea what marriage truly is. Most people will tell you that it is a legal contract first and a relationship second. In some cases, it’s not even the relationship that matters (as in cases of people being separated for decades with no intention of reuniting), but ONLY the contract.
What really gets to me is that Christians buy into this concept despite the fact that legal marriage often starkly contrasts marriage as it is depicted in the Bible. These same Christians will label children bastards and shun neighbors who aren’t legally married, but will celebrate second and third legal marriages as though they are legit even though the Christian Bible characterizes these marriages as nothing more than adulterous relationships. They will also seek to block certain people from legally marrying as though they have the right to do so even though legal marriage and Biblical marriage are not one and the same.
It’s a fascinating subject, really. I’m not against legal marriage…just opposed to people cluelessly entering it. I’ve published more of my thoughts about it in an ebook available on Amazon called Marriage Without a License. It is remarkable how uninformed people are about a relationship that existed long before any government ever did.
September 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Sal
I completely agree with this blog. It is sad and unfortunate how some people get married because society tells them too. I think that most people get married for the fairytale party, because we are conditioned from the time we are little, watching all the princess movies, that we should get married and live happily ever after. If you don’t agree think about this, how come most guys are not as willing to get married as girls are? I’ll tell you why, because they think with their head not their heart and they see marriage for what it truly is, another job, a prison. Don’t get me wrong I think marriage is the greatest thing, but when you marry knowing how your life will change, wanting to have a partner who will be there for you “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer”and most importantly when you are truly in love. If you think of marriage as a job or a prison you will come to find that if you were to spend your days with one person for the rest of your life, you have to be careful in choosing such person. I agree that people get married for the wrong reasons. Girls marry the guys who can financially take care of them and guys marry the girls for looks. Does anyone ever stop and think that one can loose all his fortune and that as we age and have children, our bodies change? When looking to get married it would be great to wear blindfolds and really get to know the person for who they are, their values, their dreams and goals, see how you compliment each other, what the other person can bring to the relationship that will make it strong and long lasting. One should think of that person as a partner who will make decisions jointly with you, not against you. As humans we are very complex and ever-changing and as such is a partnership. In my opinion we are forced to get married, by society, so we are not judged; by law, so we can enjoy the benefits and by religious believes, so we are not living in “sin”. How about getting married because we truly love each other and can’t imagine life without one another, but does that even exist? Maybe the secret why couples who only live together are happier is because that’s what they truly want and are not forced by a piece of paper or societal preasure to do so.
Great job Ms. Chevry.
September 13, 2011 at 7:49 pm
jbrigantino
Hi Martine,
Really well written. There is no question that views of, and reasons for, getting married have shifted over the last several decades. I recently watched a segment on Ch 13 with two guests who study marriage and its role in our culture and both agreed that people marry today simply out of love whereas years ago it was a destination whose genesis could be found in a woman’s financial reliance on her husband, remaining married simply to avoid the stigma of divorce, or the need to be married in order to raise children. These pressures exist no more. The older I become, the more I look around, the stronger I feel that marriage has become merely a flawed human-created construct that has outlived its usefulness in our society.
But what do I know; I’m a single guy living in Manhattan.
-John
September 13, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Martine Chevry
WOW!!! I knew marriage is a very touchy subject but i didn’t anticipate such thorough and passionate responses…. Excellent!
October 6, 2011 at 6:22 pm
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January 2, 2013 at 12:34 pm
kam75
Being proposed to is something I never ” fantasized about ” ! No one speaks for everyone! ” every girl ” was every girl literally surveyed ?